June 11, 2011

Listening to: I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T
Thought for the day: When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death - ourselves. ~Eda LeShan

When I woke up this morning, I experienced extreme loneliness. It’s as if a big fat-ass being of loneliness sat on me in an attempt to suffocate me with its big ass, ugly butt, gross smelling ass cheeks. I was suffocating.

At some point in the late afternoon, I decided to get out of the house and go eat. It was too early to eat dinner, but after being squashed by fat-ass loneliness I was hungry. When I walked into the restaurant, the only other patron was a 70+ year-old man. I thought to myself, “Great, I’m one step away from eating dinner at 4 p.m., going to bed at 8 p.m., and getting up at 5 a.m.”

Something happened when I sat down to eat. I can’t explain it. My perspective changed as if someone kicked the fat-ass loneliness off of me. Negative thoughts were replaced with an overwhelming sense of freedom and blessing.

So let me say something about the ketchup in this picture. The bottle says, “Our fries are so good you don’t need to add ketchup.” BULL. I know 2 people that don’t like chocolate and one that doesn’t like ketchup (my cousin). My cousin hates ketchup so passionately that he has ketchup radar and can zero in on it 10 miles away. I know because I’ve tried to trick him in into eating it because I just can’t comprehend anyone not liking it. I’m not sure which is more unique: ketchup haters or chocolate haters. Thus, I was surprised to see this statement on the ketchup bottles. My fries were HONORED to be doused with ketchup

June 7, 2011
Listening to: Good Life
Thought for the day: If “smelling the roses” seems blasé’ to you, take a moment, enjoy life, and make some Johnson grass music.

Today I found myself standing in a field of waist-high Johnson grass (photo). I felt like someone dumped me out in an Alice in Wonderland-sized front yard. I suddenly felt small. Then I started thinking. Usually, when I’m bored and see a good patch of Johnson grass, I pick a piece, place it between my thumbs, blow, and make Johnson grass music. I wondered if the Alice in Wonderland Johnson grass was capable of making sound. I’m here to tell you it is and the sound is as pure as human-sized Johnson grass.

Day 1 – May 23
Listening to: Weird Science
Thought for the day: If God can make a bug’s butt light up, He can do anything.

Painting by: Jim Trolinger

I saw my first lightening bug tonight!!! I draw faith from the complex design of the lightening bug. I figure if a God can give light to the butt of a lowly bug, He can do just about anything. What if human’s butts lit up? Would we get plastic surgery to enhance the luminescence? People already get butt implants so what’s a little added light to the procedure? The song “Baby Got Back” might take on a whole new meaning if our butts lit up.

Photography for me is like trying to eat soup with a knife, so I didn’t attempt to capture my first lightening butt sighting. Instead, I present to you an original painting by my dad. He painted this cartoon for me after I made my lightening bug faith epiphany known.

Day 2 – May 22
Listening to: Imagine
Thought For the Day: My advice to graduates? Floss! Everyday! You won’t be sorry.

It is done! My baby girl graduated from high school today as a distinguished scholar. Just like out of a Twilight episode, her graduation was in the same building as my high school graduation. While I sat waiting for her name to be called, I tried to remember where I sat during my own graduation and couldn’t. I have no clue! Christian will remember where she sat. I think she had the best seat in the house. She sat on the stage with the other distinguished scholars. Her seat was on the front row on the corner. She was basically face to face with every student as they waited to hear their name to walk the stage to receive their diploma. I watched her talk to almost everyone that passed her and she clapped for most of them too. The joy on her face made all of the stress we’ve been through worthwhile. I won't forget it. Who cares where I sat when I graduated.

Day 3 – May 21
Listening to: 10:00 News
Thought For the Day: NOM NOM NOM.........

Sometimes I think God provides a select group of mothers with a manual about teenagers. I didn’t receive said manual and there is no book of “teen revelations” in the Bible. If said manual exists, I’m fairly certain that there is a chapter in the book about how some teenagers decide to proclaim another woman as their mother during the 15-18 year range. There's probably also assurance that it's not a mom divorce. Young girls sometimes just need a mom-like friend. I did it as a teen and Christian followed in my footsteps. For me, my adopted mom was Barbara, Abby’s mom. For Christian, it is Carol. I’m grateful for both Carol and Barbara.

Today Christian and I went to Carol’s house to join their family in celebrating Faith's (Carol’s daughter) graduation. Carol had cookie monster cupcakes. I’m wondering if I can proclaim another adopted mom at the age of 43.

Day 4 – May 20
Listening to: Pleasure Principle
Thought For the Day: I just can’t imagine a world without the soft glow of incandescent lighting (the bulbs will be banned starting next year)!

I was noticing today that some cicadanations are much louder than others. I wondered if the cicadas treated each tree like a bar or club to pick up a mate. Some bars/clubs are more popular than others. Is it the same with mac-daddy cicadas and trees?

There are very few cicadas in my yard. A merry band of mockingbirds fly to the apex of my house every night to survey my yard which is a cicada-less island in the middle of a cicada ocean. Either the merry band of mockingbirds are keeping the clumsy bugs at bay, or my lack of trees makes my property more like a church where you wouldn’t go and bleat out your mating call after a few martinis.

Each night, the merry band of mocking birds do cover songs of all the local bird tunes while sitting on the house. I’ve yet to hear them mimic a cicada's mating call.

btw: If you're no where near Nashville, you should note that the thousands of light brown peanut-looking things in this picture are Cicada skins. CRUNCH.

Day 5 – May 19
Listening to: Bust a Move
Thought for the day: Goodwill makes everything American-made.

Last week while I was in an affluent part of town, an affluent woman approached me and praised my affluent dress. Actually, she gushed more about the cuteness of my dress versus its affluence factor. She then asked me where I bought the dress. Without hesitation, I said with a bubbly non-affluent giggle, “Goodwill.” The look on her face was priceless. I LOVE GOODWILL!!!

Tonight I visited my beloved store and experienced something I’ve only experienced one time before. I saw a piece of clothing from my past. The first time it happened, I found one of the bridesmaid’s dresses from my wedding (I even know which bridesmaid it came from). Tonight, I found half of a suit I bought straight out of college to interview (dress in middle of photo white/blue). It’s missing the jacket and they’re trying to sell it as a dress. Wonder what happened to the other half? Maybe it’s hanging out with all of the bastard socks lost in the world’s dryers.